He finds them fun, he copies what he sees, he laughs like a lunatic. I get a different vibe when I’m watching kids programs with the small one. I thought it would be interesting to translate some of Eban’s current and past favourites into an adult relatable format. It’s not pretty…
The first destination on our list of kids programs is Bikini Bottom. Don’t get excited. We find ourselves in the world of SpongeBob, a character so bereft of ambition that working in a fast food restaurant is all he wants to do. Thankfully he has the IQ of a toilet brush, so no great loss. He is joined on his pointless escapades by a group of equally uninspiring morons.
Mister Krabs is a greedy, jealous and totally shameless capitalist who exists only to try and make money. His rivalry with an evil plankton, known only as “Plankton”, sees the two competing in an ever escalating series of illegal corporate espionage manoeuvres. Squidward is a self obsessed moaner who has zero motivation, hates his life but makes no significant effort to improve it. Sandy Cheeks is a squirrel in a fucking space suit. A space suit.
Completing the cast of main characters is Patrick Star, a bright pink starfish so desperately stupid, that it’s a wonder he’s allowed to live alone. He’s totally incapable of looking after himself and relies on the generosity of SpongeBob to survive. He’s also gluttonous and a compulsive liar.
Five kids decide to put their trust in a totally random bloke and join him in his “secret hideout”. Obviously their parents never warned them about strangers. Luckily it turns out the guy isn’t a total pervert, just some mystical ninja samurai warrior person. He decides that as the world is in terrible danger, he should entrust the fates of billions to a group of teenagers.
Somehow, the group is imbued with the twin powers of shouting “HIIIIIIIIIYA!!!” an awful lot and pointlessly pirouetting in mid air. Sadly, they never seem to realise that every enemy is in fact a person in an elaborate but shit monster suit. That’s when they have to break out their big guns, or rather an even more shit giant plastic mech thing.
They proceed to vanquish the forces of evil by knocking down buildings and making a lot of unnecessary noise. No mention is ever made of the countless innocent people they no doubt slaughter as a result of these grand battles. Nor is it ever explained why the heroes need to be decked out in an increasingly bizarre set of brightly coloured spandex body condoms.
The many series of these kids programs are inspired by the incredibly successful card and Gameboy games of my own childhood. It follows Ash, a boy whose greatest goal in life is to be a master Pokémon trainer. Pokémon are the many and varied animal inhabitants of the land. There were 150 to begin with, but there’s too many to count now, one of which looks like Donald Trump.
Anyway, Ash pursues his goal by hunting Pokémon in the long grass, beating the living shit out of them and then forcing them into a tiny spherical prison. He later forces the poor creatures to fight other Pokémon until they fall over exhausted. Oh he pretends to care about them, he’s even convinced one particular Pikachu that they’re best friends.
He meets a further cast of despicable animal rights abusers on his journey. Brock, who has no discernible eyes. Misty, custodian of a weird star shaped egg thing called Togepi. Then there’s the villains, Jesse and James, part of a group they call Team Rocket. They’re both equally useless and assisted by a Pokémon called Meowth, apparently the only one of the lot who can speak fluent English.
Fourth and finally on my list of kids programs we come to The Croods. I won’t go into detail because I can’t watch it, as explained below. This is a Netflix series based on the film from a few years ago. It follows the daily lives of a family of cavemen who communicate mostly by whacking each other with rocks.
Unfortunately, Eban seems to have decided that this program is in fact a documentary. There’s no convincing him otherwise though. So why can’t I watch it? Because of the pain inflicted by listening to some guy do an abysmal Nicholas Cage impression throughout every episode. *Shudder*.
So there we have it. I hope that was an enlightening experience.
Are there any programs your kids watch that you find particularly annoying?