Horrible Hats – Virtual wombat A-Z

We’re up to H in this, my A-Z of like and loathes. This time we cover hats, objects of pure, unadulterated evil. Cloth demons that seat themselves atop the craniums of civilisation. Wicked lids for the baldness of mankind. Yeah, I just don’t like hats.

What Can You POSSIBLY Have Against Hats?

Hats On Stand

They’re all impossibly silly looking on me. I hate my wife for her ability to wear any hat and instantly look like it was made for her. I on the other hand, end up somewhere on the spectrum between hideous looking idiot and clueless moron. I don’t know why, they just don’t suit me.

I resent the fact that there are situations where hats become almost necessary. Like the dead of winter. I ain’t wearing no earmuffs! A woolly hat it has to be, with the corresponding ridiculous consequences. The only other alternative is Bee Gee hair, and as much as I love staying alive, I don’t fancy Gibb hair or the corresponding flared trousers.

Why are There so Many of Them?

Cast your eyes over this graphic (Eeeeevil graphic…):

Hat Varieties

That right there, is a small selection of the huge variety of hats available. Why? Who invented the fez? Or the bowler? Who looked at any of these sinister monstrosities and thought: “You know what? I’ll look fecking stunning in that thing!”

I’m still not convinced hats aren’t reading the thoughts of all your sheltered heads out there and transmitting the information back to an advanced alien civilisation. A conquering extra terrestrial force bent on the warming of bald men and creation of helmet hair.

Fucking terrifying.

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